I am Judas: Betrayer of Jesus

This is going to be a little bit of a lengthy post but please, I encourage you to take a few moments to read it. I don't claim to be a writer or that my punctuation and spelling is going to be correct. I know that there is more probability of someone continuing to read if it is easy to read so I have done my best to make it correct. There is so much on my heart and I have no way to share it with anyone other than here on this blog. I hope you enjoy this blog of thoughts realizations.

This past week has been a battle ground of my heart. Last Sunday our church had their Easter program entitled, My Utmost for His Highest, and it is all about abandoning your all to live for the Savior and be His. In the middle of the program there was the narration of the life, ministry, betrayal, death and Resurrection of Jesus. It was a powerful and convicting program and I was privileged to sing a song called, "For You Alone". The Lord moved in my heart and I was more aware of my wretched unworthiness to have Christ chose and die for me than I have probably ever been. Even more than the day I received him as Savior. Since the musical last Sunday I have done a great deal of soul searching. It all came to a head this past Wednesday night when our youth group had movie night and we all watched, "Apostle Peter and the Last Supper." It was a powerful movie that made me think of many, many things I hadn't thought about. In this next part of my blog post take a few moments to truly put yourself in the place of those last days with Jesus; the last supper, the garden of Gethsemane and the Crucifixion. Put yourself inside the body of one of the disciples. During the movie I identified so closely with one of the apostles, but not the one whom you may think but the one that is hated and despised. I Am Judas, Betrayer of Jesus.

Have you ever stopped to really think about Judas beyond that he is the disciple that betrayed Jesus? Have you ever searched to know more about him? Unfortunately we don't know a whole lot about him and the Bible doesn't say much beyond being the traitor of Jesus. I began to wonder, why am I so intrigued to know Judas? Why do I even care? And then the realization hit me. I wanted to know more because I wanted to know how someone specifically called to the Savior, who walked and talked with him, could ever let himself do anything but love him. WHAM. There it was, it hit me gain...I am Judas, betrayer of Jesus.

Judas' life proves that even the people seemingly closest to the Lord Jesus can be filled with the devil and succumb to his subtleties. Pastor's, missionaries, ministry wives, youth group leaders, Sunday school teachers...church pianists; they are not above it. You say, "If I was that close to Jesus, I could never betray him. I would die for him." But...have we ever stopped to think we are as close to Jesus as we can get this side of heaven? Not of our own doing, that we have "drawn close" but that he chooses to live right in our hearts. How much closer could he be? And yet, in my life I feel like I so closely identify with the one person that every Christian has such disdain for, Judas Iscariot. The following similarities can be frightening if I take a look at my own heart. When I was a nobody, Jesus called me and chose me to be his own. Jesus knew Judas would betray him, but He STILL called him and loved him. I was given the privilege to walk and talk with Jesus but still in my heart there's been doubt & wickedness. The final resemblance is the most heart-breaking. He chose me, loved me, taught me and included me in His chosen and yet still Satan steals place in my heart and I betray my Savior in words, actions, thoughts, doubt...sin. I betray my Savior with a "kiss", not physically as Judas did but in saying that I love him, then I become a Judas; my actions don't prove it and often have proved opposite.

Judas was just as susceptible to deceit and the devils' grasp as we are. When I would think of Judas my heart screamed, "How could you!" But then I thought about it, would Judas' betrayal ultimately prevented Jesus from going to the cross? Would the rest of the world be any less sinners? Would I not need a Savior if Judas had just loved Christ and never succumbed to the devils hold? Would Jesus not have felt the brutal pain of the stripes on his back, crown on his head, nails in his hands? We all know the answers to these questions are no. Jesus still would have died, not because he was betrayed but because we were sinners in need of a Savior, from the moment in the Garden of Eden where sin first entered the world. I sent Him to that cross just as much as Judas did. My sin alone would have taken him there. The problem wasn't Judas, the problem was sin that he let take hold of him.

But, Judas' story doesn't end there. For the first time in my life, after searching the Word of God, I found out something that over the years apparently I have missed. I found these verses in Matthew 27:1-5 which says this:

• "When the morning was come, all the chief priests and elders of the people took counsel against Jesus to put him to death. And when they had bound him, they led him away, and delivered him to Pontius Pilate the governor. Then Judas, which had betrayed him, when he saw that he was condemned, repented himself, and brought again the thirty pieces of silver to the chief priests and elders, Saying, I have sinned in that I have betrayed the innocent blood. And they said, What is that to us? see thou to that. And he cast down the pieces of silver in the temple, and departed, and went and hanged himself."

Now, I always knew Judas hanged himself but what I never noticed was that he realized his sin and that Jesus was Lord and tried to BUY THE SAVIOR BACK! Then when his actions couldn't be undone he threw the money back and was apparently so ridden with sorrow and guilt that he couldn't live with it anymore so he ended his life. Oh the pain in his heart he must have felt! I have compassion for Judas, yes you may think it odd but I do. Why? Because I know what its like to realize that you have betrayed the Savior, the one who loves and chose you to be his own.

But, Judas didn't have the opportunity to see the risen Savior. He couldn't forgive himself even though Jesus already forgave him and loved him just as He does you and I. Oh how thankful and humbled I am that none of my sin/betrayals are too great for the love of Jesus to heal. I may be Judas at some points in my life but my story will never end as his did.

I found myself crying in my car on the drive home last night, with all these thoughts running through my mind. I wanted to be so near to my Lord that I was desperately searching for something to rid my life of or for him to show me any shortcoming I had. If only to be able to feel as if I was a step closer to the heart of my Savior, the one who gave his all to love me. If you've never been completely and desperately overwhelmed by the love of Jesus then maybe you have never truly seen or felt it.

If you made it through this lengthy post I hope that you have discovered some of the feelings that I know I have had these past few days. If you belong to the Savior, live your life for him. If you don't know what to change or how, ask him. From experience I can confidently say there is no greater joy than being near to the heart of Jesus and seeing him mold and make you into his likeness.

~Blessings~
Brooke