Flickers of Life

I've figured out most, if not all, of my readers are women so this post is totally kosher. Lets face it, NO ONE likes to go the the "female" doctor and lets just say it was not at the top of my list of exciting things to do either. This morning was my very first baby check up appointment aka. for the total invasion of personal bubble space appointment. After necessary exams were complete it was time for the most special part of the visit...

The OB asked my husband to move around to my right side and then pulled over the sonogram machine and said "It's time to see your little baby!". The screen lit up and she proceeded to look for the baby and BAM...there was this little grey blob and of course I asked the obvious duh question most new mothers probably ask "is that my baby?" The sonogram machine itself was kind of ancient so it wasn't a super good picture but you could see enough. I've never had my tummy do those kinds of butterflies and the feelings that came over me were so overwhelming. There was a baby and it was mine!

Then the moment that made the entire visit worth it was when Dr. Nell said to look at the screen and we would see a steady little flicker of what looks like light. As Dane and I stared at the picture we began to see little flickers and she said "That's your baby's heart beating." I somehow couldn't take my eyes from that screen. It felt like if my baby could talk in that moment with it's little beating heart it would have said, Mommy I know I wasn't your plan and I know you had a really hard time accepting me but I'm here and I accept you as unready as you feel. Whoah. My baby has a heart, it's LIVING. I'm probably getting lots of rolled eyes and duh thoughts but you have to experience it for the first time to understand these feelings. Now instead of selfish feelings the only thought constantly running through my mind is a desire for complete safety for this baby. 

I'm still so overwhelmed at the awesome creation of life that is going on inside me. This baby steals my heart more and more every single day. In 7 months I will meet a little extension of my heart.

Overwhelmed. (okay, I'll probably go cry now...like thats something new :P)

~Brooke

"Magical Pregnancy Smoothie"

When the sight and smell of ground beef makes you vomit and your usual favorite lunch makes your throat close up and sends you hurling for the porcelain throne, never fear! After throwing myself pitifully over the couch for a week in much dispair that "this will ever go away, I'm going to be sick my entire pregnancy I just know it!" (Yes, I know a bit dramatic), I decided that not just one thing was going to cure me so I was going to try ALL things together! How you ask? Well, let me introduce you to the Magical Pregnancy Smoothie!


...Oh and let's not forget my morning sickness comes with a delightful side of heartburn. YAY! So between being unable to stomach most foods and then being AFRAID to eat anything that may also flare up some heartburn from heck, needless to say my body was not getting the nutrients it needs as well as what my little baby needs. With that feeling that everything in your stomach (or even when theres nothing in it) is sitting between your throat and the middle of your  chest sometimes it feel the lesser of two evils is to not eat at all. Horrible decision, for bother you and baby. Because morning sickness is often intensified because of nutrition deficiency. Empty hurry tummy, horrific heartburn, miserable morning "all day" sickness make for one less that happy or useful wife. So I made up my mind to find a solution for my morning sickness, prevention of heartburn and HUNGER.


Everything in this smoothie is nutritious, healthy and full of good things both mommy and baby need to store up on. Quite possibly the best part is that it is gentle on your very sensitive tummy, easy to drink and has all the the suggested remedies that could possibly relieve morning sickness and heartburn. Oh and did I mention that it is soooooooo yummy?


"Magical Pregnancy Smoothie" 
(4 servings, usually eyeball things but I'll try to give measurements)


1 1/2 c. Vanilla Yogurt: Good source of calcium and gentle on your stomach


1/2c. Coconut Milk: Soothes the acid in your stomach and eases digestion (heartburn), helps maintain blood sugar ( which is a huge leading cause in morning sickness!), also makes you feel full because of high concentrations of dietary fiber :)


1 Banana: morning sickness/ good source of potassium


1 Mango: Vitamin C and A, morning sickness


1-2 c. Strawberries: Yummy :)


? Honey: I use honey because it is a natural sweetener. Soothes heartburn and helps nausea.


Fresh Squeezed Lemon Juice: Vitamin C, helps nausea.


1tsp Fresh grated GINGER: Ginger products are often given as a remedy for morning sickness/nausea. I believe this is a key ingredient and is SO worth it. Aside from this smoothie I live on Ginger Snaps and Ginger Ale.


*3 Handfuls Fresh Spinach: Don't wimp out here! You can't even taste it! It is sooooooooo good for you, full of IRON! Which can be a huge deficiency in pregnant women. It also has the vitamin B6 in it, which doctors often suggest to take to help nausea.


2c. Milk: Calcium ( add as much as you want to determine the thickness you want.)


*You probably got to the spinach and said ewwwwww but just trust me! Yeah sure it changes your lovely pink smoothie into a less lovely neutral color but when you have one long enough with feeling miserable, the color is irrelevant!


Now, can I vouch for any ONE ingredient that is the magical cure? Nope! But I can tell you that I created this smoothie at 830pm and by 930pm I was able to lay down and sleep like a baby...pun intended :P Ive not had many problems since; no, the nausea is not totally gone but I believe this smoothie is the reason I'm able to feel so much better and function! Thats why I call it the magical smoothie! I'm able to feel like I'm actually getting the nutrition I need to feel better. I make a huge blender full in the morning and drink it all through the day!


Go and conquer your baby sickness!


*slurp slurp*


~Blessings~
Mommy of One

Surprises Along the Journey...

Sitting alone in the empty waiting room of Odenton Family Health Center the nurse emerged from behind the door that held the official answer, confirming what I already knew. As she sat in front of me with my, ahem,  "specimen" I heard these words: "All the tests came back positive, you are pregnant."...Shock, disbelief, horror? Not quite. After experiencing weeks of nausea and then two positive pregnancy tests it was already confirmed in my mind. But, until that moment something in me didn't really feel it was real... in those 10 seconds a certain instinct, that I never knew existed in me, took over my being.

As I made my way down the skinny hallway to the lab tears welled in my eyes but for the first time they were not tears of selfishness, they were tears of joy. All feelings of "my life is over, I'll never sleep again, I'm not ready, I can't be a mom yet, I haven't even learned to be a good wife and its too soon" faded away. But that wasn't the case two weeks ago. The excited reaction everyone around me saw couldn't have been further from what my insides and heart were feeling. Lets be honest, lets be real and go back...

Over a period of four weeks I had taken four pregnancy tests, the first two were negative then almost three weeks later was test number three. On a Saturday morning I awoke around 6:30am and then preceded to go into the bathroom to take "the test". Less than a minute later I casually grabbed the test (because I expected the same results as the others, one line), removed the tissue and BAM. Two lines. My heart began pounding out of my chest in disbelief of what I was seeing. Baby? Tears burned my eyes as I stood up and wandered around aimlessly, not quite sure what to do. I looked at my sleeping husband wondering what to say. This wasn't how it was supposed to go, I was supposed to be excited, what were these feelings? After revealing the news to my husband I shut myself in the bathroom and let all the emotions out. Shock, selfishness, disbelief, horror, fear? Yes. Being perfectly honest, yes.

On the outside and to everyone else I seemed so excited and totally un-phased by the new information that was going to change my life. I'm sure many thoughts swarmed the scrutinizing minds of the "older" generation...they are rushing things, silly young girl just wants a baby and doesn't know what it will cost her, its an irresponsible decision, they aren't ready, they should have waited, they've only been married a year, blah blah blah. Well, you know, this wasn't our plan it was God's. When we first got married, yes, I had those cravings but developed a desire to wait a few years, be young and adventurous and not have the worries or concerns of a baby; I wasn't ready.

Perhaps the excited posts and conversation were my way of trying to be ok. I already felt reproached of myself with all the selfish feelings that flooded my own mind and heart. That is just what they were, selfish. I struggled with the pull between what I wanted and what I already knew to be true. God gave me a baby. By no means of the imagination did I wish the baby to be gone. NONE. Which was why my heart struggled so much. As the days went on I became kind of numb, angry at times because of the hardships pregnancy brought with it. Slowly but surely the anger and shock wore off as I reflected on my life and its purpose. Remembering all those years I said I wanted to be a wife and mother...holding other little newborn ones longing to share in something so special. What was different now? Was that not what I still wanted? The answer was yes; I did still want to be a mother. Just because it wasn't "my plan" and "in my time"  didn't change that, as much as my initial feelings would have argued.

But let me say this, something about having that nurse come to me and say "all the tests came back positive" changed my numbness into reality. The reality that God gave me a little miracle; he gave me a baby. Our plans aren't always going to be God's but His are ALWAYS infinitely better. Am I terrified? Absolutely. Do I have doubts that I'm ready? Of course. But I'm learning through this process to turn my doubts into contentment with God's plans for me.

After much heart searching I discovered that sometimes God's unexpected plans are easier to accept when they are just that, unexpected. Why? Because despite what I think or feel about being ready evidentially HE thinks I'm ready. I don't have to worry about "making the right decision" as it wasn't my decision, it was His and he made it for me. Theres a great peace in knowing God thinks that I am ready.

Sometimes when I have a quiet moment (of no nausea!) I'm so overwhelmed that the Lord has trusted me with such a special responsibility. I have this little being growing inside me that is TOTALLY dependent on ME! Everything from what I do, what I eat, what I drink to what I plan and how I plan. Looking at it all together, yeah sure, its going to seem overwhelming but HE gave me this little blessing and he is going to equip me with everything I need to be a good mommy.

So thankful.

~Blessings~
"Mommy of 1"

~My Weight: I will and I will not's.~

Okay, so it’s about to get real personal here on facebook and my blog. Weight. Usually I keep personal things to myself but I’ve been debating on sharing this for about 3 months now. As many of my friends and facebook people that keep tabs on me know, I came to a point on Feb 1^st that I started eating to change my life. What you all didn’t know is that I wrote out a three page commitment to change my life. It was very emotional and hard for me to write it all down and look at it, and it’s a little difficult to share something so personal here. But, I’m finding just through facebook alone that there are many people, acquaintances,  friends of friend that are struggling to gain control of their weight. That is why I’m deciding to be raw and real right here; right down to my starting weight. Maybe someone will be encouraged through my story of a decision I made on January 30, 2012. I actually stepped on the scale the night before which was January 29^th, and I cried for about an hour straight in my husbands' arms.  *sigh*This is exactly as it is written in my food journal. So here goes…

“My Food Journal & Commitment”

January 30

“Today I stepped on the scale & the number I saw frightened me to tears…225. All my life I have carried extra weight but never has it so much truly frightened me. Today I will make serious commitments of “I will” and “I will not’s” Let me read and write this when I’m frustrated or discouraged. I’m Brooke Lopez do this day make the following commitments to myself, my children and my husband.”

“I will not…”

·         I will not let my body any longer control me.

·         I will not give up when it seems I’m not getting anywhere.

·         I will not give in to emotional eating (happy or sad)

·         I will not be the “fat” mommy who is tired & unhealthy

·         I will not be the fat, unhealthy wife who selfishly condones how I look because “he loves me as I am.”

·         I will not be the wife that is ashamed for her husband…or in front of his friends to see him with someone who isn’t what he could be proud to have. Not skinny, but healthy.

·         I will not be a walking health hazard.

·         I will not be too intimidated to go to the gym.

·         I will no longer look in the mirror & feel hopeless over what I see

·         I will not base my health or achievement based on numbers but on lifestyle of living.

·         I will not be ashamed or insecure of what or where my husband touches.

·         I will not remain under the domination of foods I like but on what is good for me.

·         I will be an obese statistic.

·         I will not let my eating control me.

·         I will not be unhealthy when God chooses to give me a baby.

·         I will not contribute to my deteriorating health. It’s there though I may not see it.

·         Last, and most important… I WILL NOT ANY LONGER LET MY WEIGHT KILL ME. IT MAY BE SLOW BUT IT IS SLOWLY KILLING ME.

“I Will…”

·         I will take control of my body & it will not control me.

·         I will eat to be healthy.

·         I will deem my success on how healthy I feel and live not by numbers.

·         I will be someone my husband can be proud of. Not because of how I look but how hard I try.

·         I will live a life controlled by the Lord, not by my own body.

·         I will ask the Lord to help me.

·         I will live and be healthy for my un-born babies.

·         I will be healthy and take care of the person my husband loves.

·         I will be the wife that will not feel ashamed for her husband or his friends to see him with.

·         I will promise to not think skinny is the goal but stay focused on being active & living healthy.

·         I will deem myself to have just as much right (if not more) to be at the gym.

·         I will be able to look in the mirror & be proud of, not what I see, but also who I see; a healthy individual who doesn’t live in oblivion & denial or hopelessness.

·         I will be 100% confident of what or where my husband touches.

·         I will eat to live, not live to eat.

·         I will take control of my life.

·         I will live healthy for my husband and our babies to be the best I can be.

·         I will not let my weight define me.

·         I WILL TAKE BACK THE YEARS OF MY LIFE I’M LOSING BECAUSE OF MY WEIGHT. IT’S NOT TOO LATE BUT I CAN’T AFFORD TO WAIT UNTIL IT IS…I HAVE TOO MUCH AT STAKE.

There it is… I said it. The morning I wrote this I left it on my husbands’ side of the bed to read and he found it when he got home. Disclaimer: These are my own personal commitments. I am in no way writing these as a judgment for others that don’t have these personal feelings. It is how I felt and even now as I re-read it all, my conviction in these areas are just as strong and it helps me on the days that feel so hard to live healthy. Again, this was very personal and if you have anything negative to say or opinionate I ask you, respectfully, to keep it to yourself. This is meant to encourage others on this journey that I have been in that place, still struggle, and still have a long way to go.  Remember the goal is HEALTHY not SKINNY.

I’m on my way and I feel great and am so ready for my Marine husband to be home! Go and conquer your life my friends!!!

               

I am Judas: Betrayer of Jesus

This is going to be a little bit of a lengthy post but please, I encourage you to take a few moments to read it. I don't claim to be a writer or that my punctuation and spelling is going to be correct. I know that there is more probability of someone continuing to read if it is easy to read so I have done my best to make it correct. There is so much on my heart and I have no way to share it with anyone other than here on this blog. I hope you enjoy this blog of thoughts realizations.

This past week has been a battle ground of my heart. Last Sunday our church had their Easter program entitled, My Utmost for His Highest, and it is all about abandoning your all to live for the Savior and be His. In the middle of the program there was the narration of the life, ministry, betrayal, death and Resurrection of Jesus. It was a powerful and convicting program and I was privileged to sing a song called, "For You Alone". The Lord moved in my heart and I was more aware of my wretched unworthiness to have Christ chose and die for me than I have probably ever been. Even more than the day I received him as Savior. Since the musical last Sunday I have done a great deal of soul searching. It all came to a head this past Wednesday night when our youth group had movie night and we all watched, "Apostle Peter and the Last Supper." It was a powerful movie that made me think of many, many things I hadn't thought about. In this next part of my blog post take a few moments to truly put yourself in the place of those last days with Jesus; the last supper, the garden of Gethsemane and the Crucifixion. Put yourself inside the body of one of the disciples. During the movie I identified so closely with one of the apostles, but not the one whom you may think but the one that is hated and despised. I Am Judas, Betrayer of Jesus.

Have you ever stopped to really think about Judas beyond that he is the disciple that betrayed Jesus? Have you ever searched to know more about him? Unfortunately we don't know a whole lot about him and the Bible doesn't say much beyond being the traitor of Jesus. I began to wonder, why am I so intrigued to know Judas? Why do I even care? And then the realization hit me. I wanted to know more because I wanted to know how someone specifically called to the Savior, who walked and talked with him, could ever let himself do anything but love him. WHAM. There it was, it hit me gain...I am Judas, betrayer of Jesus.

Judas' life proves that even the people seemingly closest to the Lord Jesus can be filled with the devil and succumb to his subtleties. Pastor's, missionaries, ministry wives, youth group leaders, Sunday school teachers...church pianists; they are not above it. You say, "If I was that close to Jesus, I could never betray him. I would die for him." But...have we ever stopped to think we are as close to Jesus as we can get this side of heaven? Not of our own doing, that we have "drawn close" but that he chooses to live right in our hearts. How much closer could he be? And yet, in my life I feel like I so closely identify with the one person that every Christian has such disdain for, Judas Iscariot. The following similarities can be frightening if I take a look at my own heart. When I was a nobody, Jesus called me and chose me to be his own. Jesus knew Judas would betray him, but He STILL called him and loved him. I was given the privilege to walk and talk with Jesus but still in my heart there's been doubt & wickedness. The final resemblance is the most heart-breaking. He chose me, loved me, taught me and included me in His chosen and yet still Satan steals place in my heart and I betray my Savior in words, actions, thoughts, doubt...sin. I betray my Savior with a "kiss", not physically as Judas did but in saying that I love him, then I become a Judas; my actions don't prove it and often have proved opposite.

Judas was just as susceptible to deceit and the devils' grasp as we are. When I would think of Judas my heart screamed, "How could you!" But then I thought about it, would Judas' betrayal ultimately prevented Jesus from going to the cross? Would the rest of the world be any less sinners? Would I not need a Savior if Judas had just loved Christ and never succumbed to the devils hold? Would Jesus not have felt the brutal pain of the stripes on his back, crown on his head, nails in his hands? We all know the answers to these questions are no. Jesus still would have died, not because he was betrayed but because we were sinners in need of a Savior, from the moment in the Garden of Eden where sin first entered the world. I sent Him to that cross just as much as Judas did. My sin alone would have taken him there. The problem wasn't Judas, the problem was sin that he let take hold of him.

But, Judas' story doesn't end there. For the first time in my life, after searching the Word of God, I found out something that over the years apparently I have missed. I found these verses in Matthew 27:1-5 which says this:

• "When the morning was come, all the chief priests and elders of the people took counsel against Jesus to put him to death. And when they had bound him, they led him away, and delivered him to Pontius Pilate the governor. Then Judas, which had betrayed him, when he saw that he was condemned, repented himself, and brought again the thirty pieces of silver to the chief priests and elders, Saying, I have sinned in that I have betrayed the innocent blood. And they said, What is that to us? see thou to that. And he cast down the pieces of silver in the temple, and departed, and went and hanged himself."

Now, I always knew Judas hanged himself but what I never noticed was that he realized his sin and that Jesus was Lord and tried to BUY THE SAVIOR BACK! Then when his actions couldn't be undone he threw the money back and was apparently so ridden with sorrow and guilt that he couldn't live with it anymore so he ended his life. Oh the pain in his heart he must have felt! I have compassion for Judas, yes you may think it odd but I do. Why? Because I know what its like to realize that you have betrayed the Savior, the one who loves and chose you to be his own.

But, Judas didn't have the opportunity to see the risen Savior. He couldn't forgive himself even though Jesus already forgave him and loved him just as He does you and I. Oh how thankful and humbled I am that none of my sin/betrayals are too great for the love of Jesus to heal. I may be Judas at some points in my life but my story will never end as his did.

I found myself crying in my car on the drive home last night, with all these thoughts running through my mind. I wanted to be so near to my Lord that I was desperately searching for something to rid my life of or for him to show me any shortcoming I had. If only to be able to feel as if I was a step closer to the heart of my Savior, the one who gave his all to love me. If you've never been completely and desperately overwhelmed by the love of Jesus then maybe you have never truly seen or felt it.

If you made it through this lengthy post I hope that you have discovered some of the feelings that I know I have had these past few days. If you belong to the Savior, live your life for him. If you don't know what to change or how, ask him. From experience I can confidently say there is no greater joy than being near to the heart of Jesus and seeing him mold and make you into his likeness.

~Blessings~
Brooke