Sitting alone in the empty waiting room of Odenton Family Health Center the nurse emerged from behind the door that held the official answer, confirming what I already knew. As she sat in front of me with my, ahem, "specimen" I heard these words: "All the tests came back positive, you are pregnant."...Shock, disbelief, horror? Not quite. After experiencing weeks of nausea and then two positive pregnancy tests it was already confirmed in my mind. But, until that moment something in me didn't really feel it was real... in those 10 seconds a certain instinct, that I never knew existed in me, took over my being.
As I made my way down the skinny hallway to the lab tears welled in my eyes but for the first time they were not tears of selfishness, they were tears of joy. All feelings of "my life is over, I'll never sleep again, I'm not ready, I can't be a mom yet, I haven't even learned to be a good wife and its too soon" faded away. But that wasn't the case two weeks ago. The excited reaction everyone around me saw couldn't have been further from what my insides and heart were feeling. Lets be honest, lets be real and go back...
Over a period of four weeks I had taken four pregnancy tests, the first two were negative then almost three weeks later was test number three. On a Saturday morning I awoke around 6:30am and then preceded to go into the bathroom to take "the test". Less than a minute later I casually grabbed the test (because I expected the same results as the others, one line), removed the tissue and BAM. Two lines. My heart began pounding out of my chest in disbelief of what I was seeing. Baby? Tears burned my eyes as I stood up and wandered around aimlessly, not quite sure what to do. I looked at my sleeping husband wondering what to say. This wasn't how it was supposed to go, I was supposed to be excited, what were these feelings? After revealing the news to my husband I shut myself in the bathroom and let all the emotions out. Shock, selfishness, disbelief, horror, fear? Yes. Being perfectly honest, yes.
On the outside and to everyone else I seemed so excited and totally un-phased by the new information that was going to change my life. I'm sure many thoughts swarmed the scrutinizing minds of the "older" generation...they are rushing things, silly young girl just wants a baby and doesn't know what it will cost her, its an irresponsible decision, they aren't ready, they should have waited, they've only been married a year, blah blah blah. Well, you know, this wasn't our plan it was God's. When we first got married, yes, I had those cravings but developed a desire to wait a few years, be young and adventurous and not have the worries or concerns of a baby; I wasn't ready.
Perhaps the excited posts and conversation were my way of trying to be ok. I already felt reproached of myself with all the selfish feelings that flooded my own mind and heart. That is just what they were, selfish. I struggled with the pull between what I wanted and what I already knew to be true. God gave me a baby. By no means of the imagination did I wish the baby to be gone. NONE. Which was why my heart struggled so much. As the days went on I became kind of numb, angry at times because of the hardships pregnancy brought with it. Slowly but surely the anger and shock wore off as I reflected on my life and its purpose. Remembering all those years I said I wanted to be a wife and mother...holding other little newborn ones longing to share in something so special. What was different now? Was that not what I still wanted? The answer was yes; I did still want to be a mother. Just because it wasn't "my plan" and "in my time" didn't change that, as much as my initial feelings would have argued.
But let me say this, something about having that nurse come to me and say "all the tests came back positive" changed my numbness into reality. The reality that God gave me a little miracle; he gave me a baby. Our plans aren't always going to be God's but His are ALWAYS infinitely better. Am I terrified? Absolutely. Do I have doubts that I'm ready? Of course. But I'm learning through this process to turn my doubts into contentment with God's plans for me.
After much heart searching I discovered that sometimes God's unexpected plans are easier to accept when they are just that, unexpected. Why? Because despite what I think or feel about being ready evidentially HE thinks I'm ready. I don't have to worry about "making the right decision" as it wasn't my decision, it was His and he made it for me. Theres a great peace in knowing God thinks that I am ready.
Sometimes when I have a quiet moment (of no nausea!) I'm so overwhelmed that the Lord has trusted me with such a special responsibility. I have this little being growing inside me that is TOTALLY dependent on ME! Everything from what I do, what I eat, what I drink to what I plan and how I plan. Looking at it all together, yeah sure, its going to seem overwhelming but HE gave me this little blessing and he is going to equip me with everything I need to be a good mommy.
So thankful.
~Blessings~
"Mommy of 1"
